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I think the presence of this space makes me think too much about what should be said about my life and what should not. It even gets a little old after a while. Also, I've been having less and less to say these days. This is a tempting space for some major verbal diarrhea, and I always try very hard to prevent myself from ranting. Sometimes, I really fail, only to end up taking the posts down hours later. Fugging waste of time. So I was thinking, why not just let this be gone. I have many things I want to say, just not here. But it's okay, be my friend and I'll tell you in person. Haha.

Before that, some last rants, rather related to the entire phenomenon of my life lately.

I'm lucky, I've been a child well-taken care of by all who's loved me. And through and through, I still feel very much like the same child. How do I break out? A part of me knows that the best way to get through this is to go it alone, where I'd have no choice and audience for complaints but to simply go forth and head it. As the Great One says (whoever that is), 'Sometimes you have to move forward alone to know exactly where your limits are and how much more you can push beyond it.' Limit, is something I haven't quite understood. I ask myself all the time -- just how hard is too hard?

Things have been strangely different since 5th year started. I'm not sure if you know what I mean, but it's been really strange. Like, I've been away from school a lot, and I've been spending a lot of time on my own. I don't know know why it is so, but I realised most of the time I have a lot of things I need to complete at home / by myself. Oh yeah, maybe that's why. Haha. Anyways, like I said, things change and people change.

Some days, I also feel undeniably detached because there are many thoughts that I can't be relating, things that I wouldn't even want to tell my mother. I'm sure this is something that everyone experiences. Keeping to yourself, ya know..it comes with its very own logic. Some things shouldn't be said because it might just make everyone around you go unnecessarily crazy. And some things shouldn't be said simply because you are not sure what is gonna come out of it.

Life is one big decision-making process, right? I guess I've been rational enough to get this far in life. But sometimes, the irrational comes along to shake things up a little to allow the pieces to re-group into place. It's really not a bad thing ,in my opinion. It's gonna be hard...are you sure? why must you take this path of all those that are presented to you? -- are questions that I'm beginning to hate thinking about. Also, the possibility of failing; I really don't want to start weighing in on the pros and cons. To be honest, it's such a futile effort to place any kind of judgment before anything has taken place. So whatever I do from now on, let me be crazy for once.

Which is why I prefer not to say too much these days, because everyone thinks being crazy is just crazy. While I choose to believe that, it takes a lot of courage to be crazy. And when you do grab the chance to go at it, sometimes it might even take you further than what you can see from your comfy throne. It's a risk to take, but if there's a chance to get far enough, it's a valid risk. Also, I am all for the good old-fashioned belief that you have to first plough through all the shit before it gets you to a better place in life. If I don't suffer all that I should be doing now, I will probably never get to see the light of day. I've accepted the fact that many people around me think that's just stupid, including my mother. But such beliefs really motivate me to want to go the extra mile. So I've re-found for myself the easiest way out of the hardest path -- say nothing so I can't be dissuaded, think nothing because it creates too much unnecessary anxiety, and just dammit do whatever needs to be done single-mindedly.

I'm just glad how seeing my friends live their lives became my biggest source of courage. Woman warriors and glue girls -- Sometimes I can't believe how each and every girl in this little group is so brave and distinctive in their own right. Such inspirations my friends are, haha.